After the recent declassification about what really happened on the fateful day of July 20, 1969, many Americans around the world are confused and baffled: the moon landing was really fake! Well, they did go into space, but who could have guessed that they kept on flying past the moon? The astronauts, Edwin “Weenie” Aldrin and Louis Armstrong, have recently been confirmed to be cryogenically frozen and on a voyage to a distant star, Bogus, to explain humans properly to aliens. Apparently, we have a reputation with the celestial beings, and a bad one. 

The files did confirm that successive moon landings were true, but only to plant evidence that Armstrong and Aldrin accomplished what they did on the pre-recorded broadcast. The ship is predicted to reach Bogus in 2067, and the two astronauts are set to unfreeze in 2070 to account for any system or environmental errors. In 2026, Apollo 11 is predicted to leave the Oort cloud, since its speed is exponentially faster than the speed of the Voyager spacecrafts. 

Shockingly, the autonomous sensors on the outside of the spacecraft have detected a loud sound that is speculated to be alien warfare in a distant galaxy a long, long time ago. The soundwave did not damage the spacecraft, but scientists do worry that if the blasts continue, the spacecraft will sustain damage. 

The spacecraft has recently lost contact with Earth after the DOGE cut its maintenance funds of $77/year in 2025, making people around the world worry about the two American citizens aboard and the possible scientific research lost. The funds were used to pay for the electricity for the 1958 computer, which, surprisingly, is still running and requires one electrician appointment per year. 

In all, the released files contain more information that conspiracy theories are always correct and the elites are hiding everything. Everything is a conspiracy theory if you understand how the world works.

Jillian Parad, Staff Writer

Jillian Parad is a sophomore at Ledyard High School. She likes music, cats, and video games.