Spice has always been a force of evil in my life as the pain my family loved to put me through. Many times I have been subjected to Scoville levels so high I cry thinking about it. So, I have decided to make a dip so hot it dwarfs my other spice experiences. I have a goal to create the hottest dip 

and test it on myself, but to do that I had to first find the hottest of the hot sauces.

If I wanted to create the spiciest dip, I would have to do some research on the hottest hot sauces. An excellent way to scale spiciness is the Scoville Scale. The Scoville Scale measures the intensity of spicy food by measuring how much capsaicin is in the food. Capsaicin is what makes food spicy, so the higher the Scoville rating, the spicier the sauce. The highest Scoville hot sauce I could find is the Da Bomb hot sauce, with a Scoville unit of 136,600. This might not seem hot, but if a normal food, such as a chicken nugget, is zero, and a normal hot sauce such as Tabasco is rated from 100 to 5,000, Da Bomb is 27 to 273 times as hot as Tabasco sauce. Personally, I die whenever I have Tabasco sauce, so Da Bomb would melt me from the inside out. 

Now, I could just have this one hot sauce and that’s it, but I wanted to go further. So, I found another hot sauce, with a name and Scoville rating that could melt even the coldest of Austins in their cold leather boots. The sauce is called Satan’s Blood Hot Sauce, and it has a Scoville unit of 800,000. That is 160 to 8,000 times hotter than Tabasco. Not only does it sound cool, it is even hotter than Da Bomb.

Now I have two hot sauces to mix, and that thought alone makes me violently ill. But there is one more ingredient I wanted to add, and this time it is not a hot sauce. I need something to dip into the sauce. The death chip is a chip so hot it made my father, who ate so much spicy food he had to go to the doctor several times and can no longer eat spicy food, have eaten the chip and almost pass out. This chip is a knockout for me in comparison. This chip dwarfs the hot sauces in heat, with a Scoville Unit of 2.2 million. That is 22,000 to 44,000 times as hot as Tabasco sauce. This chip is INTENSE. The hot sauces were hot but they are nothing compared to the chips, and the chips aren’t cheap, either. Just one costs $5.99.

As a result of my research, I have found three of the hottest foods on the internet, and I have combined them to make a toxic monstrosity. The combined Scoville unit is 3,136,600. That is 627.32 to 31,366 times hotter than normal hot sauce. Therefore, when I get these in the mail, I will record myself mixing the sauces and dipping the chip in it. Until my untimely demise, I am Zaden Allaire. 

Junior Zaden Allaire is a staff writer for the 2021-22 Colonel. He enjoys walking with his cats and laying with his dog.