A Ph.D in bringing down the patriarchy, slamming down entitled men, and providing students with reputable advice on wooing that special someone, Dr. Love has easily become one of the secret celebrities of Ledyard High.
Tired of always being rejected by that special someone? Well, step into my office! The Love doctor is in.
Dearest Dr. Love,
I’m having a tough time wooing the girl I love. No matter how suave my advances are, she completely rejects me every time! Just last week, I stopped by her house and threw stones at her window and played her favorite “One Direction” song on a boombox. Her parents came out and called the cops on me and she cursed me out. I probably shouldn’t have visited her at 3 am, but she continues to reject me and I’m getting angry. Today marks the one year anniversary of my chase for her. I’m not sure how to finally win her heart… I know deep down she loves me, but how can I make her realize it?
Sincerely,
Desperate Dan
Well, Desperate Dan,
It appears to me that you have found yourself in quite a sticky situation. A year long “chase”? Firstly, we need to address the way you go about the subject of women. Women are not animals, women are not something you can “hunt” or “chase” after. Next, let’s discuss your stalker-like behavior towards this poor girl. Wait, scratch that. You are a stalker. Either you keep it up and find yourself pending for a restraining order, or leave the girl alone. Hate to break it to you buddy, but SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! So, put your big boy pants on and gulp down a tall, refreshing glass of “get over yourself”!
Now, for those who began to read this article expecting some real advice, here’s Dr. Love’s fool proof guide on love:
- Stop wanting to be in a relationship
- love yo self
- respect people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- i need a new job
THE COLONEL NEWSMAGAZINE 