The 2016 presidential election is extremely well-known for being wild and unreal, with highlights such as President-Elect Donald Trump’s intense Twitter rant, which bashed Saturday Night Live because the man clearly couldn’t take a joke. Clinton isn’t much better: email drama galore and encapsulating the idea of “the lesser of two evils.”
Compared to them, Ledyard High School’s own students and teachers would do a much more satisfactory job of assuming the roles of the President of the United States than either candidate could— here’s 14 of them and why they trump both Trump and Clinton.
- Mathematics teacher Sean Law
If Sean Law can make algebra fun, he can do anything. When you’ve got a crazy mastery of logarithms and end behavior asymptotes, everything else is easy: signing bills, negotiating treaties, enforcing the law — all pieces of cake, though he might prefer pi(e).
Also, his name is literally Law. When’s the last time we’ve had a president with a pun-worthy name? Too long ago.
*running mate: English teacher Claire Malavazos, who is the proud owner of a POP! vinyl figure of Captain America, so you know she’s patriotic. Her extensive knowledge of all things English is also an added benefit; most paperwork will probably be in that language.
- Freshman Chloe DeMaio
Chloe DeMaio has an endless list of skills, and her dedication to projects is unreal. She’s been playing piano for four years now, and classically trained instrumentalists are the epitome of presidential worthiness. She’s a die-hard fan of Real Madrid C.F. (quickest way to nail diplomatic relations with Spain), and she practices photography, the art of seeing beauty in the world; don’t we finally deserve a politician like that?
“I spend my free time within a never ending cycle of sleeping, eating, going on social media, and sometimes even doing homework,” DeMaio said, making her more relatable and real than either presidential candidate, despite their attempts to be trendy and cool (*cough cough* Clinton).
- Senior Carter Smith
We know from Ronald Reagan that actors can make great presidents, and Smith could definitely be the next Reagan. He’s already so well-liked from countless drama productions and morning announcements, and a president we can all love will only bring us unity.
Unification via endless admiration. He also has an amazingly presidential voice, and could you imagine spicing up the State of the Union Address with a speech delivered in that melodious singing voice?
- Junior Nathan McCracken
With big personalities comes big success. He’s outspoken, sarcastic, and unbelievably eloquent. McCracken is quick on his feet, both in soccer and in thought. The combination of unwavering confidence and his jack-of-all-trades nature is a definite recipe for an amazing presidency.
“I model myself after George W. Bush,” McCracken said, commenting on his presidential potential.
And have you seen his political cartoons? There’s no better way to demonstrate the problems of the U.S. than to turn to artistry.
- Sophomore Hannah Battle
Battle is most known for her place on the Ledyard fencing team, making her completely qualified to take over the title of Commander-in-Chief of the military. Aside from her superb fighting skills, she is also quick thinking on her feet and can rapidly evaluate and solve the many, many, many issues within this nation.
“I would make a great president for the fact that I am mature and I strive for education and to learn about what needs to be fixed and use my problem solving skills to solve them quickly,” Battle said.
- Senior Samantha Beacham
The bees do actually need saving, and a president who knows that and has a game plan to do just that would keep our ecosystems healthy and flourishing. Beacham is also the perfect blend between down-to-business and funny, and we all need equal parts of those to survive.
She’s a student of both French and Spanish too— and what better way to nail diplomacy than to know the ins and outs of the language(s)?
- Science teacher James Wisniewski
Ledyard’s own Mr. Wisniewski can often be found embarrassing students in the hallways during passing time, making his advisory enough pancakes to feed all of China, and crushing soda cans in his science classes. This type of personality would make an excellent president who focuses on what’s really important. Forget politics, he’s the Bill Nye of LHS, and everyone loves Bill Nye.
“As president my platform would be to update the whole infrastructure. Rebuilding the roads, replacing an aging water system and having at least 45% of the country on renewable power in four years would create the job structure the country needs. The move to renewable energy is what will change the impact we are making on this planet and open a shift to electric based transportation”
*running mate: The one and only Ted Allen from Ledyard Middle School, who spends less time teaching science to his students and more time talking about the Red Sox and his deep love of bacon. So he clearly has his priorities in order.
- Junior Audrey Vela
Vela is an avid Independent candidate who supports “Trying to get all women to get equal pay as men and I also support gay marriage rights, if I were to run this country I would make sure that I am always on the same page as my party.”
Vela is also a member of agriscience, so she cares about the planet and obviously won’t pretend global warming doesn’t exist COUGH COUGH.
- Junior Charles Crain
When you look at certain students, their entire aura screams Ivy League-bound. This is the case with Crain, who has held office before (sophomore class president in the 2015-16 school year) and is currently a member of organizations like Student Congress and Tri-M. He’s a natural leader and a quick and disciplined learner, currently excelling in classes like UCONN ECE French and a whopping total of 3 APs. He’s a perfectionist through and through, but a healthy one.
He’s also the embodiment of tells-it-like-it-is: some view it as a harsh and others see it as candid, and shouldn’t politicians be super candid? Additionally, he uses fancy pens.
- Junior Jacob Money
Money was born with a politician’s mind. He’s a mix of charisma, street smarts, and a do-what-you-have-to-do attitude. He’s an integral part of all the clubs that run the school: Student Congress, Student Leadership Council, Key Club (which he’s president of), and much more. Money’s already super well known too, so his PR and campaigning team wouldn’t even need to put in that much money. He’s passionate about humanities, and his permanent calm voice has the eerie ability to put you at ease.
- Sophomore Erin Healy
Aside from swearing “I’m a good candidate because I wouldn’t insult my opponents in my campaign,” President Healy would declare all chocolate cake FREE. You hear that Trump? You’ve just been beat to the ground with my free cake. Instead of making jokes about the disabled or expressing controversial views, Healy will instead constantly reference musicals, which would not only be kinder, but much more entertaining.
- Sophomore Emma Calhoun
Back in the old days, the stepping stone to presidency was Secretary of State. Now, it’s a Congressional seat, and Calhoun is a full-fledged member of Student Congress. She helped organize Ledyard High School’s own freshmen elections, and is absolutely ready to appear on the ballot herself as a candidate for presidency.
She spent her 2016 summer traveling to France, which shows her ability to diligently assume presidential duties.
“I feel honored, to be honest,” Calhoun said when interviewed by The Colonel. In a world of entitlement and egoism, we’re desperately in need of a humble change.
- Junior William Reynolds
Just like former presidents John Quincy Adams and George W. Bush, Reynolds also comes from a political household, as his father is former CT representative Tom Reynolds. Aside from politics literally being in his blood, Reynolds is also “more in touch with the community and the average life of an American,” making him a more relatable candidate than the previous candidates. Also, he “wouldn’t feel the need to argue with the other candidate,” which is not only something America could use a break from on national television, but an important quality to have when you’re running a country.
Bonus: He has a lot of Jordans and if nice style doesn’t make you a great president, nothing does.
- Humanities teacher Elizabeth Dubreuil
As former President John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” This is a quote that Dubreuil models herself after, making her a prime candidate choice. Her past studying of history and government also makes her more qualified than Mr. MBA Trump. Being a civics teacher also makes her more civic-minded and has the unique ability to understand and respect the various opinions of both students and adults, also unlike our current President-Elect.
*running mate: Representative John Lewis because of his message, “We are one people, one family, one house — the American house. We must learn to live together as brother and sister or we will perish as fools.”
Which candidate would you vote for? Tell us in the comments!
Carina Wang, Editor-in-Chief
Junior Carina Wang is the Editor-in-Chief of The Colonel. She participates in Girls’ Tennis. Outside of school, she can be found volunteering her time at humanitarian nonprofits, running a study inspiration Tumblr blog, or avidly refreshing PowerSchool.
Megan Rosen, Associate Editor-in-Chief
Junior Megan Rosen is the Associate Editor-in-Chief of The Colonel. She is on the varsity tennis team at Ledyard and also enjoys playing volleyball and basketball. When she is not in school, you can often find her shopping or eating waffles and drinking smoothies.